Why Attachment Strategies Aren't a Choice
& How EMDR Can Help
EMDR Therapists Need to Think in Strategies, Not Styles
Attachment strategies aren’t developed by conscious decision. They are little-mammal intelligence doing its job.
EMDR for attachment starts with understanding attachment strategies, not mere styles.
As Dan Siegel has pointed out, it is a significant miss to use the terminology of “attachment styles.” Attachment is not about whim or conscious choice—it's about survival instinct.
The shift in thinking from “attachment styles” to attachment strategies matters more than it may seem in EMDR for Attachment (sometimes called EMDR attachment work or EMDR focused on attachment).
Little humans don’t pick how they relate to a caregiver like they’d pick a favorite dress‑up outfit. Their nervous system adapts to whatever relational environment they’re in.
If care is warm, steady, attuned, and nurturing, their nervous system learns connection is safe.
When care is unpredictable, distant, scary, or harmful, their nervous system adapts—instinctually developing an attachment strategy designed to keep the caregiver close enough for food, soothing, and survival. It’s not a conscious choice; it’s the nervous system doing what it must.
A little human is essentially in captivity—without the option to choose another caregiver or develop the ability to care for themself. The only option is to maneuver within the relationship to invite more care and deter more harm.
As therapists using EMDR for Attachment, when we frame these patterns as “styles” or see attachment patterns as something that insight and willpower can shift, we can unintentionally minimize what’s happening.
Our clients don’t come by their symptomatic ways of relating lightly; they’re carrying lifelong attachment strategies built around survival.
From Cribs to Therapy Offices, Attachment Doesn't Stay in Childhood
Same Nervous System, New Scenery
Fast‑forward to adulthood—if nothing has shifted the pattern, the strategy still runs the show.
Attachment strategies don’t disappear or evolve just by nature of aging and maturing. The patterns developed within early primary attachment relationships follow clients into adulthood, especially when there has been relational trauma.
When clients come in with anxious or avoidant behaviors, they’re not trying to be difficult. They’re using the same strategy that worked for them when they were small. It’s the same nervous system at work, just with grown‑up circumstances.
A client in a harmful relationship might be stuck in an anxious strategy: “If I keep giving, maybe I won’t be abandoned.” Another might detach quickly and avoid conflict: “If I don’t need anyone, I can’t get hurt.”
Even disorganized strategies, where the person both reaches for closeness and pushes it away, often come from chaotic or unsafe early environments. They’re not being dramatic. Their body doesn’t know which direction is safe because it has learned that both connection and distance can hurt.
What we see when providing EMDR for attachment—whether over‑apologizing, over‑functioning, stonewalling, or quick exits—are often old attachment strategies doing their best to keep the client safe.
The responses may not seem logical on the surface, but they are based on the fixated logic of a time when the nervous system adopted the best option available.
Just as EMDR explains trauma memories are held separately from relevant adaptive information, so the attachment strategies developed in response to early traumatic experiences are held separately from the reality of time passing and the development of the range of adult capabilities and relational options.
In EMDR for Attachment, Treat the Belief AND the Behavior
None of this is about being difficult. The body is still scanning the room asking, “Which move kept me safest last time?”
In EMDR for attachment, targeting trauma isn’t just about the memory. It’s also about the distorted belief that got wired in and the behavior that was developed as a solution.
With attachment trauma, that negative belief is often something like:
- “I’m not lovable.”
- “I’m not safe in relationships.”
- “I have to earn love.”
- “I don’t need anyone.”
The behavior, or attachment strategy, becomes a solution to that belief.
So we see things like:
- “If I meet everyone’s needs, maybe I’ll be enough.”
- “If I don’t get close to anyone, I can’t get hurt.”
- “If I try harder, maybe I won’t be abandoned.”
This is where case conceptualization matters. If we only treat the belief, without understanding the behavior developed as an adaptation to keep the client “safe,” we miss part of the healing.
We can’t skip over the attachment strategy. It’s often the hardest part for clients to let go of, even when they have outgrown it. The strategy feels familiar—like protection, and sometimes even like identity.
Our work in EMDR for Attachment involves holding both the belief that needs updating and the behavior that’s been trying to help. When we map that out clearly, the target sequence plan becomes more meaningful and effective.
EMDR Focused on Attachment is Nervous System Work
Target how the negative belief and solution have been welded together.
When we understand that these attachment strategies are learned by the nervous system, we approach our clients' symptoms differently. We stop asking, “Why do you keep doing that?” and start wondering, “What helped this person survive?”
That shift makes our work more compassionate. It also makes it more accurate.
Our clients’ attachment strategies have logic when we see them through the lens of early attachment.
EMDR focused on attachment can help them build new strategies based on their present reality of knowing their worth and realizing their adult capabilities and choices. Thus, they finally get to experience what secure attachment feels like.
That’s not achieved by finding perfect relationships. It’s about knowing: “I’ve got me. I can ask for care. I can walk away when something is harmful. I can trust that I matter. I can find those who will love me like I matter, too.”
Conclusion: EMDR for Attachment Thinks in Problems and Solutions
Each strategy lives inside a memory network that holds two intertwined layers:
- Trauma of unmet needs and unsafe care – the moments the little human learned their caregiver wasn’t a source of attuned, reliable nurture and protection.
- The behavioral solution – the action plan their nervous system adopted and continued into adulthood to best elicit more of what they needed and less of what they didn’t.
Ready to Go Deeper into EMDR Attachment Work?
If treating attachment strategies with EMDR is the direction you want to grow, we teach it step‑by‑step inside both our Basic EMDR Training and Advanced EMDR Trainings.
You’ll learn practical tools—not just theory—including how to identify attachment strategies driving your clients’ symptoms and create comprehensive target sequence plans to address them.
Want to learn more? Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @PrecisionEMDR or email Susie directly at Susie@PrecisionEMDR.com.
And if you found this helpful, keep the conversation going in the comments below. We’re glad you’re here.
References:
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford. Mindsight - Dr. Dan Siegel
Laliotis, D. (2016, February). Healing the wounds of attachment and rebuilding self. (Professional training) San Diego, CA. The Center for Excellence in EMDR Therapy - EMDR Training for Therapists
