When Attachment-Focused EMDR & IFS Fall Short
A Deeper Look at Effective Attachment Work
Written by Susie Morgan, LMFT, BCETS - June 19, 2025
In the evolving landscape of attachment work within EMDR therapy, certain models have captured attention and gained wide acceptance—particularly those centered on Attachment-Focused EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS). I want to offer a respectful but important challenge to some of the prevailing assumptions in the field. After twenty years of learning, practicing, and observing outcomes as an EMDR therapist, I’ve come to see that while these approaches bring valuable tools to the table, they often fall short in two critical areas: relying too heavily on external figures or idealized parents for attachment repair, and underestimating the power of precise language to anchor clients in the reality of their adult self.
Honoring the Legacy of Attachment-Focused EMDR While Seeing the Gaps
It’s the view from the shoulders of giants that lets us spot what’s missing.
Attachment-Focused EMDR, notably pioneered by Laurel Parnell, has profoundly elevated the conversation around attachment work within trauma therapy. It brought forward the essential recognition that attachment must be a central focus in EMDR treatment—especially for those with complex developmental trauma. And yet, after years of learning from and applying this and other models, it’s become clear that while deeply valuable, Attachment-Focused EMDR is not without its blind spots.
Attachment-Focused EMDR and the Role of External Attachment Figures: Scaffolding, Not the Source
It’s the comfort that steadies—but cannot substitute for—real inner repair.
External figures, as used in Attachment-Focused EMDR, can be a beautiful starting point. They offer a sense of felt safety and can serve as a preparatory step, a way to shift state, model connection, or interweave adaptive information.
As scaffolding, these figures are powerful. But they are scaffolding—they're not the structure itself. The ultimate aim is to transition from those external supports into the solid, present-day relationship with the adult self.
When the Adult Self Distances: What External Attachment Figures Can Hide
It’s catching the moment when the adult self turns away—because that’s where the deepest work begins.
What we can easily miss when we stay with those external figures too long is a critical piece of the healing process: the adult self showing up for the little self.
When the adult self distances—when it hesitates to provide care, or worse, turns away in shame or self-rejection—this is where the deepest attachment ruptures linger.
If we rely solely on external figures, we may completely overlook these moments. And that’s a critical loss. Because it's precisely in working through the resistance—the discomfort of the adult self looking at that younger self with loving eyes—that shame begins to unravel.
The Pitfalls of Idealized Parents: When Comfort Turns to Pain
It’s the comfort that can’t hold—when the fantasy falls apart, grief hits harder.
Introducing idealized imaginary parents can seem like a comforting tool, but too often it backfires.
When clients are encouraged to rely on imagined ideal caregivers to meet their deepest attachment needs, they can become locked in a fantasy that collapses under the weight of reality. That collapse can trigger profound—and often unnecessary—grief.
It’s one thing to mourn what was missing; it’s another to feel unnecessarily traumatized by the absence of a fantasy that never truly existed. The emotional fallout can be intense, making the healing process harder rather than gentler.
The Adult Self as the Cornerstone of True Attachment Healing
It’s finding true safety within—anchored firmly in the steadfast reliability of the adult self.
Genuine, enduring attachment repair develops from empowering the adult self to compassionately and reliably respond to the "Little Me."
Encouraging this internal relationship fosters deep internal reassurance—statements like, "I’ve got me," and "I trust myself to take care of myself."
This approach offers stability and a profound sense of security, addressing core attachment wounds and effectively alleviating the accompanying shame and self-rejection.
Language Matters: Precision in Attachment Healing
It’s the subtlety of language—anchoring the adult self in the reality that trauma time is over.
The language we use in this work really matters. I very specifically rely on the terms "Adult Self" and "Little Self" or "Younger Self" because they help create a clear, externalized view of the client's experience.
This differentiation makes it easier for the adult self to be increasingly embodied, to look with loving eyes at the younger self who lived through the trauma—and to recognize that what happened is not happening now. The adult self lives in an adult body, with increased capacity and access to choice.
The language helps create just enough distance from the direct experience of memory to work with it effectively while reinforcing the present-day truth: the trauma is over, and the client is no longer a child.
We hear the depth of EMDR’s resolution when a client says, “I feel like an adult when I bring up that memory now”—no longer reliving it as someone young or small but, instead, remembering it from the embodied vantage point of their full adult self.
The Trouble with Inner Child and IFS Parts Language
It’s helping clients see: this was me then—and I am still me now.
This is especially relevant when we examine how certain trauma treatment modalities approach selfhood. In the case of inner child language, the implication is often that there is always a child living inside the person—a permanently present child self. That framing can keep clients locked into a static identity instead of recognizing their growth.
Similarly, with Parts language—especially in frameworks like IFS—there's a risk of reinforceing a sense of internal otherness. The younger self and the adaptive strategies they developed to survive the unmanageable aspects of their childhood—described in IFS as Exiles and Protectors—are seen as perpetually as separate from the client’s core Self.
In contrast, language like “Little Me,” “Younger Me,” and “Adult Me” invites opportunities to catch moments when a client says, “I know we’re calling it ‘Little Me,’ but I still can’t see that part as actually me.” That’s a pivotal moment. It signals unresolved dis-identification.
If we’re not careful, we might miss the very core of the work. By using language that reinforces separateness as does the IFS Parts language, we might miss the deeper resistance: the inability to accept that this little one was, and still is, them.
It's in working directly with that resistance that we support the client in seeing the trauma as part of their story—but one they can now embrace as the source of unique strengths, deep wisdom, and profound resilience.
Conclusion: Returning Home to the Adult Self
It’s guiding clients home—not to imagined caregivers or separate inner parts—but to the compassionate adult self, whole and capable of embracing every part of their journey.
Ultimately, while Attachment-Focused EMDR and IFS each bring meaningful innovations to attachment healing, therapists must recognize and move beyond their specific limitations. Attachment-Focused EMDR's reliance on external attachment figures and idealized caregivers, though initially comforting, can inadvertently obscure crucial opportunities for clients to develop lasting internal security anchored firmly in their adult selves. Similarly, the IFS model, with its emphasis on distinct internal "parts," may inadvertently reinforce a sense of separateness rather than fostering deeply embodied ownership of one’s full self and experiences. Effective attachment work therefore requires therapists to anchor clients consistently in their compassionate adult presence, supported by precise, empowering language that emphasizes the client's cohesive sense of self, resilience, and present-day capacity.
References:
Parnell, L. (2013). Attachment-focused EMDR: Healing relational trauma. W. W. Norton & Company.
Website: https://laurelparnell.com
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.
Website: https://ifs-institute.com
